March
20, 2012
April always sneaks
up on me and surprises me. I’m not good
at remembering dates but like clockwork around this time of year I
start thinking about Sean and his mom Eve, both of whom I miss dearly. Sean
died in April 2004 when he was 8 weeks old. He would have been 8 years
old this year. I still carry his
obituary in my purse and can’t bring myself to take it out. This year it seems to be affecting me a lot
worse maybe because of it being the first anniversary of Jack’s death as well. I feel the need to tell the store maybe in a
few years I can tell Jack’s story too.
Since I don’t really feel like it is my story to tell I’ve changed names
though it is certainly the story from my perspective.
Eve
and I meet while going to school together for computer programming in 2001. That was a year, 2001, to me it was the
beginning of the end for many things.
The school we were going to went bankrupt and the state of Oregon took
over the curriculum to finish our schooling.
We really started to connect as friends when we were carpooling to school
after that state took over. We then also
started exercising together and going on outings. Our friendship continued long after school
was done and through my separation and divorce.
In the summer
of 2003 we decided to go on a diet together and take regular walks to get
exercise. After a while she started complaining
that she was just hungry all the time and couldn't understand why she wasn't
losing weight. It must have been around September when we were walking on
the beach and she told me her breasts were really sore and she didn’t know why. When I think back it’s really funny. You know how when you’re watching a movie and
you see a woman complaining about things and you think oh she’s pregnant. Well it doesn’t work that way in real life. Eve and Ben had been trying to have a baby
for many years and had finally gotten to a point where they thought it just
wasn't going to happen. None of us were thinking she might be pregnant.
All the
symptoms she was complaining about were pregnancy related. She finally went to the doctor around the end
of the month because of odd feelings in her abdomen, first baby movements she
thought were just a bad case of gas.
Turned out she was already estimated to be 5 months along. She
called me first. We both laughed and cried. We relived 5 months of
pregnancy in 1 day!
Later as her
pregnancy progressed and she was now obviously pregnant she asked me to be on
call for the delivery in case she needed a woman with her. I didn't end
up attending the delivery. I was elated
just to be asked; honestly I think my overly enthusiastic yes overwhelmed her a
bit. I tried to make sure she knew that
if she needed me I’d be there in an instant but if she didn’t need me there
then I’d be sending good thoughts her way.
Either way I would do what she needed and be happy to do so.
Sean was born
Feb 12th 2004. Eve was so happy to be a mom and loving being home with Sean. The last few days of March Sean got sick
nothing that worried anyone it just seemed like some minor congestion. She
and I talked a lot. I offered to help with clearing his nose since I'd
had a lot of experience with Aaron but she declined. I’ve thought about
that a lot and wondered if it would have done any good anyways. The simple things our minds cling to, the ‘if
onlys’. Would anything have changed the
outcome? Probably not.
April 1st she
called me, I was driving with Aaron in the backseat. I pulled over
because I knew something was very wrong. Aaron, almost 4 at the time,
chose that moment to start screaming so I got out of the car so I could hear
her while Aaron literally screamed in the back of the car. Sean had
stopped breathing when he was sleeping. She tried to resuscitate him
until the paramedics arrived. They were able to get him to the
hospital where he was put on life support.
I keep
thinking this has to be some horrible horrible April Fool's joke. Thank
god I didn't say that to her. She didn't want anyone at the hospital quite
yet so I waited. In those first few days I brought food for Ben and Eve. Ben would meet me at the front desk and
talk. He was so positive that Sean would
recover. His manor was that of a dad
just waiting for things to resolve so that he could take his son and wife
home. It was uplifting, maybe things
would turn out fine.
After a couple
of days I was able to go in an see Sean. He looked like a very sad
little doll. I was almost sick. It was so awful. I was scared
to touch him because my impulse was to just scoop him up on hold him
tight. I didn't want to see him just lying there with all the tubes and
machines not moving. Babies are not supposed to be so still. Eve
and Ben were going through such an awful ordeal. Ordeal isn't a strong
enough word. Sean was brain dead and only alive because of the machines.
Ben was still so sure that he would get better but I could see that Eve
was starting to accept the reality of things.
After a few more days there was a very dramatic shift in Ben’s attitude
and demeanor, the reality had set in.
On April 9th
they took Sean off life support and he passed away in his mother’s arms. On the 8th Eve had called me to let
me know they had made the decision to take him off life support. It would of course be just family, her, Ben
and her parents at the hospital. She
then called me on the 9th after he passed. I was at work
(CorVel) at the time and just about had a complete breakdown in office. Hazel
helped get me out of the office and heading home.
Eve had asked
for my help with getting some of the baby stuff out of her house but then
decided against it. She didn't want anyone over and I respected her
wishes. She was adamant that she and Ben needed to grieve through this
together so that it didn't pull them apart and I absolutely agree so I respected
their space. I was really worried about them but prayed that they would
grow stronger together. They had been considering moving before all of
this and took the opportunity to make a fresh start. Unfortunately, she
also withdrew from everything around here including me. I miss her
terribly and wish I knew where she was at. I believe they are somewhere
in Texas but that is all she told me.
